REALLY BAD JOKES

Q. What's the national bird of Iraq? A. Duck! _________________________________________ The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?" The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!" _________________________________________ A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!" _______________________________________ It was a little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt!" The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go see the principal and get this straightened out." So the little girl went to the principal's office. The principal asked the little girl, "What's your name?" The little girl answered, "Happy Butt!" The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, the principal looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!" The girl then said, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!" _________________________________________ A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out! The Texan says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Texan has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked. He asks the Texan, "What are you doing?!" The Texan replies, "So much for your canoe!" _________________________________________ Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!" The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!" _________________________________________ The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!" The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!" The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!" The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!" _________________________________________ A group of theater students decided it would be fun to train a flock of chickens to perform Hamlet. After many hours of practice, it was time for opening night. Sadly just as the first patrons were starting to arrive, a group pf police officers arrived and shut down the theater. The police department would make no official statement as to why the action was taken, but it was believed that fowl play was suspected! _________________________________________   A doctor used to visit the same bar everyday and he ordered the same drink day in and day out. He would tell the bartender, "Fix me an almond Daiquiri, Dick!" And Dick, the bartender, would serve it up. This went on for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized that there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory. The doctor had just walked in and was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite drink. In a hurry, the bartender figured that he could substitute a hickory nut, crush it up and the doctor would never know the difference. The doctor took a sip of the drink and said, "Is this an almond Daiquiri, Dick?" The bartender replied, "Well, no, it's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc!" _________________________________________ Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly, Madame," he replied. Mary asked, "Is the restaurant still open?" "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and looked it over. "I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary. "Certainly, Madame," he replied. Mary then asked, "And may I have breakfast in bed?" The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs," Mary said. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and the next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The receptionist asked Mary, "Did you sleep well?" Mary replied, "Yes, thank you." The receptionist then asked, "Was the food to your liking?" Mary replied, "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was great. I don't think I've ever had better! Shame about the eggs, though. They really weren't that nice at all." The receptionist replied, "Perhaps you could contribute your thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." "OK, I will," said Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see what Mary had written. She wrote: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!" _________________________________________ Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a very beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "I have a proposition for every single man here. I will give $1,000,000 or my daughter to the one man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he had. The crowd cheered him on as he kept swimming. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy, that was simply incredible! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the money?" The man replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the person who pushed me in!" _________________________________________ The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The general manager of the ballclub was a little leery of this. The recreational director asked, "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The general manager agreed. The group of inmates came into the office and sat down. The recreational director shouted, "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. He then shouted, "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. He then shouted, "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the general manager let agreed to let them into the game. In the third inning, the general manager heard a tremendous commotion! People were in a panic! He asked what happened and was told that someone had yelled, "Peanuts!" _________________________________________ Q. Did you hear about the Viagra robbery at the drug store? A. The police are looking for a hardened criminal! _________________________________________ Did you ever notice when you put the 2 words "THE" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?!" _________________________________________ Q. What's the difference between the short and long income tax forms? A. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money. _________________________________________ Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was exhausted after spending all morning teaching a young Luke Skywalker the ways of the Force. Obi-Wan decided to treat his student to lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant, where they could eat and continue Luke's studies. Upon arriving, Obi-Wan ordered two bowls of hot and sour soup and sweet and sour chicken. The waiter brought the two Jedi their soup first. As Luke slurped up his soup spoonful after spoonful, Obi-Wan patiently continued Luke's lessons in the ways of the Force. Between each spoonful, Luke nodded as he listened and understood his master's teachings. The waiter then brought the two Jedi their sweet and sour chicken. Obi-Wan continued teaching, but noticed that young Luke was distracted. Luke couldn't seem to grasp how to use his chopsticks. Obi-Wan tried to proceed with his teaching, only to become frustrated as Luke continued to struggle with his chopsticks. Luke kept trying to pick up his food with the chopsticks, only to watch his food fall back onto his plate, onto the table or in the floor. The entire time Luke was completely ignoring his Jedi teacher. Finally, Obi-Wan couldn't take it anymore. It was then that Obi-Wan told young Skywalker the most important lesson he would ever learn as a Jedi: "Use the forks, Luke! Use the forks!" _________________________________________ Q. Did you hear that the Postal Service has recalled their latest lawyer stamps? A. People couldn't decide which side to spit on! _________________________________________ Q. Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot throughout most of his lifetime, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him a rather frail person. With his odd diet, he also suffered from very bad breath. This technically made Gandhi what? A. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis! _________________________________________ A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in fora drink and the robot asked him "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry and so on. The manlistened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again,the robot asked him "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball,and so on. The man thought to himself, "This is really quite amazing." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him "What's your IQ?" The man replied "50."The robot then said, "So..... you gonna vote for Bush again?" _________________________________________ Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a shady lawyer? A. Chelsea Clinton! _________________________________________ Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she was pregnant! The senator was furious! She was in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this had to happen to her! She called home and got Bill on the phone. Hillary immediately started screaming, "How could you have let this happen?! With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!" There was nothing but dead silence on the phone. Hillary screamed again, "Did you hear me?!" Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, Bill said, "Who is this?!" _________________________________________ President George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long, flowing white robe with a long, flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. G.W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man continued to stare at the ceiling. George then tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am!" George W. asked him why he was so stuck up. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years wandering in the desert!" ________________________________________ Q. If you are an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom? A. European! _________________________________________ The Potato family sat down to dinner. Missy Potato looked at her parents and said, "Mom and Dad, I have big announcement. I'm going to get married!" The happy Momma Potato asked, "Who is he, dear?!" Missy Potato replied, "I'm going to marry Peter Jennings!" Without hesitation, Poppa Potato jumped up at screamed, "NO! I won't allow it! No daughter of mine will ever be allowed to marry him! Missy Potato started crying and asked, "Why Daddy?! Peter Jennings is such a nice man and he will provide for me well!" Poppa Potato responded, "That may be true, but Peter Jennings is just a commentator!" _________________________________________ An atheist was spending a quiet evening walking through the woods when suddenly he was attacked by a werewolf! In one quick motion, the werewolf tossed him to the ground! The werewolf then towered over the atheist with its mouth open, ready to devour the man! As the werewolf began to drool, the atheist cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and the atheist heard a booming voice from the clouds say, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" The terrified atheist replied, "Come on, God! Please, give me a break! Two minutes ago I didn't believe in werewolves either!" _________________________________________ Two starving vampire bats were sitting on a roof wishing that they had some blood to drink. The first vampire bat said, "I can't wait anymore! I'm flying out there to find some blood!" With that, the vampire bat took off into the distance. Ten minutes later, the vampire bat returned to the rooftop with his face covered in fresh blood! The second vampire bat asked, "Hey! Where in the world did you get all of that blood?!" The first vampire bat said, "Look out there. Do you see that big tree limb about 50 yards away, and 10 feet off of the ground?!" The second vampire bat squinted, looked and said, "No, I don't see it!" The first vampire bat said, "Funny. Neither did I!" _________________________________________ A tourist in Vienna was walking through a graveyard on Halloween night when all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so the tourist started searching for the source of the music. The tourist finally located the source of the music. The tourist discovered the music was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The tourist then realized that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, the tourist left the graveyard and persuaded a local resident to return to the graveyard with him. By the time they had arrived back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a local music scholar. When they returned to the grave with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backwards. The music expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed: the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. Within hours, the word had spread, and a crowd had gathered around the grave. The crowd was listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the crowd asked him if he had an explanation for the music. The caretaker replied, "Oh, it's nothing to worry about! He's just decomposing!" _________________________________________ Doctor Frankenstein sent Igor out to find a brain for his new monster. As Igor walked around, he noticed a sidewalk stand that said "Brains For Sale." Igor couldn't believe his good luck! He went over to investigate and saw a sign that said "Doctor Brains - $8.00 a pound." Another sign read "Paramedic Brains - $12.00 a pound", while other signs read "Nurse Brains - $30.00 a pound", "Truck Driver - $40.00 a pound" and finally "Lawyers Brains - $90.00 a pound." More than a little confused, Igor asked the man behind the cashregister, "How come doctor brains are only worth $8.00 a pound and lawyer brains are worth $90.00 a pound?!" The man replied, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?!" _________________________________________ Q. What do you call a deer in the woods with no eyes? A. No Ideer! Q. What do you call the same dear with no eyes and no legs? A. Still No Ideer! _________________________________________ The Wildlife Federation is now advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, rescue dog handlers and others who venture into the woods this year to take extra precautions and to be on the alert for bears. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears. They also advise people to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and nuts. Grizzly bear droppings have usually contain small bells and smell like pepper spray! _________________________________________ A hunter ran into a bear in the woods. The hunter immediately fell to his knees in fear and buried his face in his hands. Nothing happened and the bear was silent. The hunter slowly peeped through his fingers and saw the bear staring at him with a curious look. The hunter then whispered in a trembling voice, "Dear God, please make this bear a Christain bear!" Suddenly, the bear fell to its knees and looked down toward the ground. The hunter asked the bear, "What are you doing?!" The bear then growled, "I'm saying grace!" _________________________________________ Two hunters were walking through the woods when all of a sudden a bear jumped out of the brush and started chasing them!Both hunters started running for their lives, when one of them stopped and started to pull off his hunting boots and putting on his running shoes! The first hunter asked, "What are you doing?! You can't outrun a bear!" The second hunter replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear! I only have to outrun you!" _________________________________________ Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never agree on any topic of discussion. One day the optimist decided that he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his contstant pessimistic thinking. The optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water! The optimist decided to take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck and walked right back into the boat! The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and asked, "Well, what do you think about that?!" The pessimist replied, "So, your dumb dog can't swim, can he?!" _________________________________________ A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in Arkansas. The lawyer shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field. I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "Sorry, sonny. This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The lawyer said, "I am one of the best attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you have!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Arkansas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arkansas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Arkansas Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up!" The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old farmer, so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer's nose off his face! The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up! The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck, now it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!" _________________________________________ A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the legs for Thanksgiving dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer finally believed that he had created the perfect Thanksgiving turkey. Excited with his new, miracle turkey, the farmer ran into the house to tell his wife the good news. "Honey, I finally did it! I bred the perfect Thanksgiving turkey! This turkey has 6 legs!" The farmer's wife replied, "That's great! Does it taste the same as normal turkeys?!" The farmer scratched his head and answered, "I don't rightly know. I never could catch the dang thing!" _________________________________________ A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. The husband said to his wife, "I think it's raining." The wife replied, "No, that felt like snow to me, dear." The husband said, "No, I'm sure that it was just rain." They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. The husband said, "Let's not fight about it. Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As Comrade Rudolph approached, the husband said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" Comrade Rudolph answered, "It's raining, of course." As Comrade Rudolph walked away, the wife still insisted that it was snowing. The husband finally said, "Dear, you are wrong. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." _________________________________________ On New Year's Eve God looked down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out. The angel returned and told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth. 95% is bad and only 5% is good." God thought for a moment and decided to send down a second angel to get another point of view. When the second angel returned, the angel said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and only 5% is good." God said this was not good. God decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them in the new year and keep them going down the right path. Do you know what that e-mail said? What?! You didn't get one either?! _________________________________________ Q. How do you make a tissue dance? A. Put some boogie in it! _________________________________________ Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line! He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said, "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." Bob said, "That's really sad, but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" The man replied, "No, they're all at the funeral!" _________________________________________ A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, there was a 6 foot tall cockroach standing there! The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off! The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the 6 foot tall cockroach was there again! This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away! The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the 6 foot tall cockroach was there again! The cockroach leapt at him and bit him several times before running off! The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and phoned for an ambulance. He was rushed to the emergency room, where the doctors saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, and the man explained about the 6 foot tall cockroach's attacks. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's been a nasty bug going around!" _________________________________________ Q. What did the trainer say to Mike Tyson after the fight? A. No, stupid, it's an "eye for an eye"! _________________________________________ Q. Mike Tyson's psychologist told Iron Mike to take a year off? A. Mike obviously misunderstood! It's a good thing the doctor didn't say take two years off! ________________________________________ Q. What is Mike Tyson's favorite football team? A. The Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS! _________________________________________ Q. Did you hear where Mike Tyson wanted to hold his next fight? A. Erie, Pennsylvania! _________________________________________ Q. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson burger? A. There is a piece of the champ in every bite! _______________________________________ Q. What's Mike Tyson's training belief? A. No pain, no brain! _________________________________________ On opening day, a New York Yankee's scout brought a horse with him to add to the starting line-up! The coach asked, "What did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replied, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players were laughing until the horse came to bat. The horse grabbed the bat in its mouth, and everyone got quiet and stared at the horse. The pitcher threw the ball toward home plate, and surprisingly the horse hit the ball out of Yankee Stadium! Then the horse just stood there and didn't move. The coach yelled at the scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looked back at the coach and said, "If the horse could run, he'd be at Belmont!"